In this powerful and emotional episode, we delve into the raw and complex world of betrayal trauma, featuring a heart-wrenching submission from a recovering addict grappling with the weight of his past actions and the pain they've caused his partner. Through his story, we explore the struggles of rebuilding trust, the challenges of supporting a betrayed partner, and the difficult path toward healing and reconciliation. Whether you're facing similar challenges or seeking to understand the dynamics of betrayal trauma, this episode offers valuable insights and compassionate guidance for navigating these turbulent waters.
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Inside this Episode:
Understanding the Weight of Betrayal Trauma
In this episode, we received an intense and vulnerable submission from an addict in recovery. Here's his submission through the PBSE Contact Form—
Hey, my wife is one of the .01% of wives who expects me to be absolutely perfect. I don’t know what to do? I’ve been focusing on being serene. Learning from every mistake I make. I’m 16 ish months sober. And in full recovery. Each step of the way, I’m reminded how I’m a screw up. That the score will never be even because I betrayed her, I took away her dreams, and because I’m an addict, I will never be the man she wants. Ever. That she is staying with me solely because she doesn’t want to miss time with our young son. Who we both love. She says I trapped her and she can’t leave and that she plans to stay until our son turns 18. Then leave and find a better man and have a new family. That her life is on pause until then. That I deserve to burn in hell for what I’ve done. I validate her pain. I do make mistakes and objectify her every so often and imply that I do find her “sexy” and I recognize my reasons of how my head got there and I work on those defects. I’m able to work through my shame in these moments and stay present and hear her pain. I just am at a loss of how to support her further. I feel I’m at loss and I’m committed to her. She is my only option and I love her. I never want to go back to life without recovery. I love my life and love the healing I’ve accomplished. I just don’t know how to help support her to get here as well so she can enjoy life again.
It's crucial to acknowledge upfront that we have not heard from his partner, and we don’t know her side of the story. What we’re discussing is based solely on his perspective. This podcast might be triggering for partners, especially since we’ll be addressing much of this from the addict's point of view. However, please understand that we hold space for the deep pain, anger, sadness, and other emotions involved. While we focus on healing and moving forward, we also fully recognize the significance of your trauma.
The submission we received details a deeply troubled relationship where the porn/sex addict is seeking guidance on how to support his partner, whom he betrayed, so she can enjoy life again. His account paints a picture of a relationship filled with pain, resentment, and a profound sense of hopelessness on both sides. As we navigate this topic, we’ll discuss the complexities of rebuilding a relationship after betrayal, the importance of authenticity, and the difficult decisions that both partners face in this process.
Acknowledging the Trauma and Its Impact
The submission begins with the addict describing how his wife expects him to be "absolutely perfect." He claims to be in full recovery, having been sober for about 16 months. Despite his efforts to be transparent and supportive, he feels that nothing he does is ever enough. His wife reminds him constantly of his past betrayals, stating that the score will never be even, that she stays only for their son, and that she plans to leave him once their child turns 18.
This scenario is not uncommon in relationships impacted by betrayal. The pain and trauma inflicted by infidelity, especially when compounded by addiction, can be overwhelming. For many partners, the betrayal shatters their sense of trust, safety, and security in the relationship. It’s a trauma that affects every aspect of their lives, leading to feelings of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and often a deep sense of loss.
The addict’s description of his wife’s response highlights the profound impact that betrayal can have on a partner. Her statements reflect the pain of having her dreams taken away and the deep resentment she feels towards him. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that healing from betrayal is a long and challenging process. There is no timetable or checklist for recovery, and each partner’s journey is unique.
In this particular case, the wife’s declarations may stem from a place of deep hurt and trauma. She may feel trapped in a relationship that no longer brings her joy or fulfillment, and her statements about leaving once their child turns 18 may be a reflection of her current emotional state. It’s crucial to approach this situation with empathy and understanding, recognizing that both partners are likely struggling with their own pain and emotions.
The Importance of Authenticity in Healing
As we discussed in the podcast, one of the most important aspects of healing from betrayal is authenticity. Both partners need to engage in a process of self-reflection and determine what is truly authentic for them moving forward. This involves examining their feelings, desires, and goals for the future and determining whether these are compatible with their partner’s vision.
For the betrayed partner, this process may involve asking difficult questions about the relationship. Is there any possibility for change or growth in the relationship? What would it take for them to feel safe, valued, and loved again? Are they open to the possibility of reconciliation, or have they reached a point where they feel that the relationship is no longer viable? These are challenging questions, and there may not be clear answers. However, engaging in this process of self-reflection can help the partner determine what is truly authentic for them and what steps they need to take for their own healing.
For the addict in recovery, this process involves examining their own motivations and desires. Are they committed to the hard work of rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship? Do they truly understand the impact of their actions on their partner, and are they willing to make the necessary changes to create a healthier relationship? It’s important for the addict to engage in their own process of self-reflection, separate from their partner, to determine what they want and need in the relationship.
Authenticity is crucial for both partners because it allows them to approach the healing process with honesty and integrity. Without authenticity, the relationship is likely to remain stuck in a cycle of pain and resentment. By engaging in this process, both partners can begin to determine whether they are truly compatible and whether there is a path forward for the relationship.
Navigating the Complex Emotions of Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal brings up a wide range of emotions for both partners, and navigating these emotions can be incredibly challenging. The addict in this scenario describes his efforts to validate his partner’s pain and stay present with her, even as she expresses her anger and resentment. He acknowledges that he makes mistakes and continues to work on his own recovery. However, he feels at a loss for how to support her further and help her find joy in life again.
One of the most difficult aspects of healing from betrayal is dealing with the intense emotions that arise. For the betrayed partner, these emotions may include anger, sadness, fear, and confusion. They may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt, wondering why the betrayal happened and what it says about their worth. These emotions can be overwhelming, and it’s important for the betrayed partner to have a safe space to process them.
For the addict in recovery, the emotions may include shame, guilt, and a deep sense of responsibility for the pain they’ve caused. They may struggle with feelings of helplessness, unsure of how to make amends or rebuild trust. It’s important for the addict to recognize that while they can support their partner’s healing, they cannot control their partner’s emotions or force them to forgive. Healing is a personal journey, and both partners need to navigate their own emotions in their own time.
One key aspect of navigating these emotions is empathy. The porn/sex addict must strive to understand and validate their partner’s feelings, even when it’s difficult. This involves listening without defensiveness, acknowledging the impact of their actions, and offering genuine apologies. Empathy helps to create a sense of connection and can be a powerful tool in rebuilding trust.
Another important aspect is self-compassion. Both partners need to practice self-compassion as they navigate the healing process. This involves being kind and understanding toward themselves, recognizing that healing takes time, and allowing themselves to feel their emotions without judgment. Self-compassion can help both partners build resilience and continue moving forward in their healing journey.
The Role of Communication and Boundaries
Communication is a critical component of healing from betrayal. In this scenario, the addict describes his efforts to be transparent with his partner, sharing his thoughts and feelings, and keeping her informed of his actions. However, despite his efforts, he feels that his partner remains stuck in her pain and anger, and he is unsure how to help her move forward.
Effective communication in the aftermath of betrayal requires both partners to be open, honest, and vulnerable. This can be incredibly difficult, especially when there is so much pain and mistrust in the relationship. However, without open communication, it is nearly impossible to rebuild trust and create a healthy relationship.
One key aspect of communication is setting boundaries. Both partners need to establish clear boundaries that help them feel safe and respected in the relationship. For the betrayed partner, this may involve setting boundaries around what they need to feel secure, such as regular check-ins, transparency, or time apart. For the addict, this may involve setting boundaries around their recovery, such as attending support groups or therapy sessions.
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person; they are about creating a safe space for healing. It’s important for both partners to respect each other’s boundaries and to communicate openly about their needs and expectations. This can help to reduce misunderstandings and build trust over time.
Another important aspect of communication is being open to feedback. Both partners need to be willing to listen to each other’s concerns and be open to making changes in the relationship. This requires humility and a willingness to grow. For the addict, this may mean being open to feedback about their recovery efforts or how their actions impact their partner. For the betrayed partner, this may mean being open to feedback about how their responses are affecting the relationship.
By prioritizing communication and boundaries, both partners can create a foundation for healing. This requires ongoing effort and a commitment to being open, honest, and respectful with each other.
Moving Toward Healing and Reconciliation
The ultimate goal for many couples who experience betrayal is to move toward healing and reconciliation. However, this is a complex and difficult process that requires time, effort, and commitment from both partners. In this scenario, the addict is deeply committed to his partner and desires to help her find joy in life again. However, he is unsure how to move forward, given the deep pain and resentment that exists in the relationship.
One of the first steps toward healing and reconciliation is acknowledging the reality of the situation. Both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about where they are in the healing process. This may involve acknowledging that there is still a lot of pain and anger that needs to be addressed. It may also involve acknowledging that the relationship is not where they want it to be and that there is a lot of work to be done.
Once both partners have acknowledged the reality of the situation, they can begin to work together toward healing. This may involve seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, to navigate the complex emotions and dynamics of the relationship. It may also involve creating a plan for rebuilding trust, such as setting goals for the relationship, establishing accountability, and making amends for past actions.
Healing and reconciliation also require both partners to be willing to forgive. Forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing the betrayal; it is about letting go of the resentment and anger that can keep the relationship stuck. This can be incredibly difficult, especially when there has been significant harm. However, forgiveness is a crucial step toward healing and moving forward.
It’s important to recognize that healing and reconciliation are not linear processes. There will be setbacks and challenges along the way. Both partners need to be patient with themselves and each other as they navigate the ups and downs of the healing journey. By staying committed to the process and supporting each other, it is possible to rebuild a strong and healthy relationship.
Conclusion: Finding Hope in the Journey
Healing from betrayal is one of the most challenging experiences a couple can go through. It requires deep commitment, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront difficult emotions and realities. In this episode, we’ve explored the complexities of supporting a partner who has been betrayed, the importance of authenticity, and the role of communication, boundaries, and empathy in the healing process.
For the addict in recovery, the journey involves taking responsibility for their actions, being patient and empathetic with their partner, and continuing to work on their own healing. For the betrayed partner, the journey involves processing their pain, setting boundaries, and determining what is truly authentic for them moving forward.
While the road to healing and reconciliation is long and difficult, there is hope. By staying committed to the process, seeking support, and being open to growth and change, it is possible to rebuild trust, repair the relationship, and find joy and fulfillment once again.
Thank you for joining us on this journey. If you need more in-depth support, consider joining us in our Dare to Connect program, where we dive deeper into these topics and provide additional resources for healing and recovery. We look forward to continuing this journey with you.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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