This article (which is taken from episode number 245 of the PBSE podcast) explores the complexities of rebuilding trust in relationships after betrayal, focusing on a scenario where a partner feels threatened by their spouse’s work relationship with an attractive coworker. Drawing directly from the words of podcast hosts Mark and Steve, the discussion highlights the deep pain of betrayal trauma, the ongoing struggle with mistrust, and the critical need for open, empathetic communication. The article emphasizes that healing requires both partners to actively participate: the betrayed partner must find their voice and set boundaries, while the betraying partner needs to take full responsibility, show consistent honesty, and build transparency. Ultimately, the journey to rebuilding trust is framed as a challenging but rewarding process of mutual effort, commitment, and daily actions that foster safety and connection.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Introduction
Hey, everybody! Mark and Steve here on the PBS ePodcast. We’ve hit episode 245! There’s a nice ring to it, right? Just edging toward the big 250. And boy, this title—it’s such a telling title. Our hearts really go out to both the partner and the addict in recovery. Today, we’re diving into a question we hear a lot: “With his history of dishonesty, should I just trust that my partner's relationship with an attractive coworker is, quote, all business?” Dun, dun, dun!
We know many of you can relate to this. It's such a difficult scenario because, at the end of the day, it’s not just about this coworker; it’s about all the history that comes with it. So, let’s dig in and talk about what’s really going on here—how trust has been shattered, why it’s so hard to rebuild, and what you can do about it. We’ll break this down from both sides—partner and addict—because both sides of the street have work to do.
The Pain of Past Betrayals
So, let's dive in with what the betrayed partner shared with us. She says, “My husband is starting a new position within his company where he will be working very closely with this woman.” We’ll call her “this woman” because, well, she’s not just any woman; she’s highly attractive and the only female in this male-dominated company. The husband’s even admitted that she’s beautiful, smart, and going places in the company. He’s never been shy about acknowledging her appeal.
Now, let’s pause there for a second. We’ve heard this story countless times, right? It’s completely understandable for the betrayed partner to feel uneasy. She’s got a lot of mixed feelings here. It’s not just about fearing infidelity; it’s the nagging doubts—wondering if he’s fantasizing about her, lying, or even just hiding little things like he used to. This isn’t paranoia; it’s trauma talking. This is what happens when you’ve been burned before.
She says, “I’ve asked him bluntly about this, and he laughed at me and told me that, quote, ‘He only has eyes for me.’ Obviously, we’re married.” And this is a big one—he laughed. It’s those little moments, right? That laugh isn’t just about the present; it brings back every moment of dishonesty from the past. He might think he’s being reassuring, but for her, it’s just another sign that he doesn’t get it.
This partner goes on to say, “He has some pretty obvious tells when he’s lying. I’m almost certain he is in this case.” And then the big question: “How can I, as the spouse, learn to just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?” That’s the million-dollar question, and it’s a tough one.
Why This Pain Runs So Deep
This is a scenario that plays out again and again for partners with a history of betrayal. We can hear the fear, hesitation, and trauma in her voice. This isn’t just about one woman at work; this is about a pattern of behavior that’s left her feeling unsafe. Anytime there’s a history of lying and betrayal, you’ve got this whole set of triggers that start firing off, and it’s not something that just goes away because you want it to.
We always say that no partner deserves this. No partner signs up for this kind of relationship and says, “Oh yeah, this sounds great—I can’t wait to have trust issues.” Nobody goes into a marriage expecting to feel this kind of pain. This isn’t about one little slip-up; it’s about a whole string of broken promises and deceit. And when that happens, it doesn’t just break trust—it breaks the very foundation of the relationship.
We hear from partners all the time who say, “I thought I knew who I was marrying. I thought I knew who you were.” And then one lie, one betrayal, and suddenly you’re questioning everything. Who am I married to? Who is this person I thought I knew? It throws you into a state of instability, where you’re questioning every move, every word, every interaction.
And this isn’t just something you “get over.” Betrayal trauma creates this ongoing cycle of hyper-vigilance. You’re constantly scanning the environment for threats, and every little thing becomes a potential trigger. It’s exhausting, and it takes a huge toll on your mental and emotional health. You’re left wondering, “Can I trust my own intuition? What’s real? What’s not?”
Here's a past PBSE podcast that focusing in on the "symptoms of betrayal trauma—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/what-is-betrayal-trauma-part-two-symptoms-and-healing
How Mistrust Takes Over
When trust is broken, especially repeatedly, it leaves scars that don’t just fade with time. This isn’t about being paranoid or insecure; it’s a survival mechanism. Your brain is wired to protect you from getting hurt again, and that means being on high alert. We see this in our work with couples all the time—the partner who’s been betrayed becomes like a detective, piecing together every little clue to try and figure out what’s really going on.
She’s not just reacting to this one woman at work; she’s reacting to every broken promise, every time he said, “Trust me,” and then did the opposite. And that’s a really tough place to be because it’s not just about this one situation—it’s about the whole history of lies that have come before it. She’s not just asking, “Can I trust this work relationship?” She’s asking, “Can I trust him at all?”
What’s really important here is that trust isn’t something that gets rebuilt with one or two good actions. It’s not enough for him to say, “I’ve changed.” That’s great, but change has to be consistent and proven over time. The betraying partner needs to understand that his actions are still being measured against the past. And honestly, that’s not just understandable—it’s necessary.
For the addict, it’s crucial to lean in and say, “I caused this.” You’ve got to own it. Every time you hear, “I’m scared,” or “I don’t trust you,” instead of getting defensive, recognize that this is the consequence of the choices you made. You don’t get to say, “Just trust me this time.” It doesn’t work that way.
For more guidance on the topic of "rebuilding trust" after years or decades on dishonesty on the part of the sex/porn addict, please see this past PBSE podcast—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/after-lying-gaslighting-my-partner-won-t-believe-me-how-do-i-show-true-empathy-rebuild-trust
The Misguided Response
What we often see is that the betraying partner tries to reassure their partner in ways that feel dismissive. When he laughs and says, “I only have eyes for you,” he might think he’s being comforting, but for her, it’s a complete disconnect. She’s thinking, “You’re not taking my fears seriously.” And that laugh? It feels like a slap in the face.
What we need is transparency and empathy. The addict needs to be prepared to hear his partner’s fears and to sit with them. It’s not about defending yourself or trying to prove that you’re trustworthy now. It’s about saying, “I hear you. I understand why you feel this way, and I’m here to listen.” It’s about being willing to sit in the discomfort without trying to fix it or dismiss it.
And partners, on your side of the street, you need to find your voice. You’ve got to be able to articulate what you’re feeling and why, even if it feels messy or complicated. This isn’t about blaming; it’s about expressing your truth. The more you can share about what you need to feel safe, the better chance you have of getting your needs met.
Building Transparency and Communication
One of the biggest pieces of rebuilding trust is transparency. And let’s be clear—transparency doesn’t mean invasive scrutiny. It doesn’t mean reading every text or email. What it means is creating a culture of openness where there aren’t hidden corners or secrets that breed mistrust.
We often recommend setting up structured times to talk—whether it’s daily check-ins, weekly reviews, whatever works for you as a couple. The idea is to create a space where both partners can come together and share openly. For the betrayed partner, this is a chance to voice fears, ask questions, and express what’s been weighing on their mind. For the addict, it’s an opportunity to show up, listen, and be accountable.
You’re not going to get this perfect every time, and that’s okay. What matters is the effort. The betrayed partner needs to see that you’re trying—that you’re not just going through the motions but really investing in rebuilding the trust that was broken. It’s about creating a new normal where honesty and openness are the default settings.
Developing Empathy and Understanding
For the betraying partner, empathy is going to be one of your most powerful tools. It’s not enough to say, “I’m sorry.” You’ve got to really put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand how your actions have impacted them. That means being willing to hear things that are hard to hear. It means not getting defensive when your partner says, “I’m still scared,” even if you feel like you’ve done everything right since the betrayal.
We often say in Dare to Connect that empathy is the glue that holds the relationship together during tough times. When you show up with empathy, you’re saying, “Your feelings matter to me. I’m here, not to fix or change what you’re feeling, but to be with you in it.” And that’s huge. That’s where real connection happens.
We know this is tough work, and it takes time. But it’s also worth it. Every time you show up, every time you listen, you’re rebuilding a little bit of the trust that was lost. It’s a slow process, but it’s one that’s absolutely doable if both partners are willing to put in the effort.
For some additional insights on "empathy," check out this past PBSE podcast—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-sex-addict-partner-s-empathy-button-is-broken-what-can-i-do
Taking Responsibility and Moving Forward
For the betraying partner, one of the hardest but most important things to do is take full responsibility for your actions. This doesn’t mean beating yourself up or living in constant shame. It means acknowledging the role you played in creating the mistrust and committing to doing things differently moving forward.
We talked about this recently on our Dare to Connect show, and it’s worth repeating here: If you’re the one who’s broken the trust, you need to own that. You need to be able to say, “I caused this. I’m responsible for this pain, and I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make it right.” That doesn’t mean you can fix everything overnight, but it does mean you’re taking steps every day to be the partner your spouse deserves.
On the other hand, partners, you’ve got to be clear about what you need to feel safe. It’s okay to have boundaries. It’s okay to say, “I need you to check in with me,” or “I need more transparency about your work relationships.” These aren’t demands; they’re part of rebuilding the safety that was lost.
The Power of Consistency
Consistency is key. It’s not about grand gestures or big promises; it’s about showing up day after day, doing the little things that build trust. That means being honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means being accountable, even when it’s hard. And it means being willing to have the tough conversations, even when you’d rather avoid them.
One of the things we always stress in our sessions is that trust isn’t a one-time event. It’s something that’s built over time, with every interaction. It’s built with every honest conversation, every moment of transparency, every time you choose to lean in rather than pull away. And it’s these small, consistent actions that will eventually rebuild the foundation of your relationship.
We get it—this is hard. But it’s also worth it. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is one of the toughest challenges a couple can face, but it’s also one of the most rewarding. When you both commit to the process, you can come out the other side stronger, more connected, and more resilient than ever before.
Conclusion: The Journey of Rebuilding Trust
Trust isn’t about “just getting over it.” It’s not about sweeping the past under the rug and hoping it doesn’t resurface. It’s about facing the reality of what’s happened, owning your part, and working together to build something new. It’s about being willing to do the hard work, day in and day out, even when it feels like you’re not making progress.
For the betrayed partner, it’s about finding your voice and speaking your truth, even when it feels risky. For the betraying partner, it’s about listening, empathizing, and showing up consistently in ways that prove you’re committed to change. It’s not a quick fix, but it is possible.
We know this is tough stuff, but we’re here with you every step of the way. Keep having the hard conversations. Keep showing up for each other. And remember, trust isn’t something that’s given—it’s something that’s earned, day by day, through your actions, your honesty, and your commitment to each other.
Thanks for joining us on this episode, everyone. We’re here to help you take back your life, your marriage, and to become stronger than ever. Keep fighting for your relationship, and we’ll see you in the next episode. Take care, everyone.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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